The closest thing I can compare my life to is a Greek Tragedy. Hey, when your therapist even says she’s never seen someone go through as much different crap in their life as you’ve seen, and most of it was not self inflicted (through drugs, booze, etc), well, you kinda know you’ve gotten the shitty end of the stick. Oh, well. It is what it is.
What it is and has been includes being physically, sexually, emotionally and financially abused throughout my life by the people closest to me: parents, husbands, child, boyfriends as well as strangers. The strangers I could understand, but the betrayal by family really messed me up. And, let’s not forget employers. Who ever says we don’t need unions for nurses in this country is a fool.
My health has taken a huge hit because of all of it. I’ve have/endured Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), cancer, migraines (resolved), diabetes (kicked that!), two heart attacks, three strokes (minor but with lingering effects), heart failure, respiratory failure, kidney failure, and the real killer: PTSD. I am currently on disability for it, struggling to regain enough of my health to return to doing what I love most, hospice nursing.
I grew up in a conservative Catholic home; a home with lots of screaming and abuse. There was also love from my grandmother and aunt with whom I credit saving my life with their kindnesses. I attended Catholic schools for 12 years and grew up with a faith in GOD. A faith that was not nurtured by the Church. I fell away from any real faith until I was 29 and GOD allowed me to paint myself into a corner until I reached out for Him again. I was Born Again and began my life with GOD once more.
This is absurd, I know, but even when I didn’t really believe in GOD, I knew there was a devil. That I never doubted. And while I don’t believe he lurks behind every bush in his red satin suit and pitch fork, he is an ever present harbinger in my life. Looking back at what I have been able to do for GOD and His Kingdom, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I am not putting myself in the same category as Mother Teresa or Billy Graham or some other super duper do gooder, but I do take chances and step out and do things others don’t seem to have the courage to do. There are many like me out there. Folks who do things quietly and make differences in others lives without fanfare or recognition. We are the real boots on the ground for GOD who get the work done while the TV preachers tend to get the headlines. Whatever. I look like hell on camera anyway! 🙂 But, I digress…
Satan, while not omniscient, is not stupid. He must have seen the potential in me from the time I was very young. I say this because he has been trying to kill me through illness, abuse from others, or through my own hand most of my life. My only suicide attempt came at five years old, and was obviously unsuccessful, but I struggled with profound depression all of my adult life until last year. There were days on end for decades I had to fight with all my strength to not kill myself. Life was just not worth living. I still feel that way, but at least my circumstances have improved enough to keep me from dwelling on it anymore. Say what you want, but I believe that Satan can and does have the ability to do what he does to make someone’s life a living hell and make them hopeless. Why? For many reasons, but in my case, to keep me from helping others and saving them from themselves and from eternal damnation in the next life. Being a hospice nurse puts you at the bedside of those who want to make their peace with GOD before they die. I am there and not shy about helping them do what needs to be done. I don’t beat them over the head with my Bible. Not my style. But, as a trained hospice and psychiatric nurse, I pick up on the signals they give and do my best to give them the peace they are looking for. For the living, I reach out and do what I can to help others see things clearly and help them find the path they want and need in their lives to give them peace/wholistic health.
I don’t consider myself special, but I do know I am very different. I have endured much and it colors my perceptions. I actually have the gift of perception, although I don’t see it as a gift. I have it to such a degree that I am actually empathic with some; I physically can feel others’ spiritual/emotional/physical pain. I see situations and people so very clearly; see things for what they truly are. I don’t do denial. If I did I probably wouldn’t have PTSD! For years I tried to tell myself I didn’t have this, but finally have given in and accepted it. I have been proven dead on right 95% of the time about things. People ask me stuff, I give them my views, they deny it at first, then come back with “how the hell did you know that???” Trust me, I would love to be wrong about a lot of the stuff I see/sense.
So, here I sit, with too much experience in life, knowing what is important and what is total bullshit. I can not agree with lies or deny the truth. It makes my physically ill to try. So, I speak my mind and it offends many. Oh, well. Their lies and parasitic behavior doesn’t sit well with me, either. I do try and just share my feelings with those who I don’t think will be pissed off, but every now and again the shit hits that fan and I get accused of being a trouble maker. At least I’m not a liar or an enabler!
So, if you’ve gotten this far, you should have a better idea of where I come from when I say the things I do; why I feel about things the way I do. You can agree with me or not. My experiences are not yours. We all feel what we feel because of our individual experiences. I am not trying to force my values upon you. You have chosen to read my blog, so consider yourself forewarned. Bwahahahaha!